here after a longgggggg time....life has changed a lot since then...and life is ever changing..it can never be stable.i want to sit alone for months maybe and want to see a flashback of my life. how was i like before? how happy i was? what changed everythng? why have i become like this?what will happen if i ll be like this.. .the thing is i keep on helping my friends during their breaking point in life..but honestly ,when i m in such a situation..even my shadow leaves me..:/ i had an aunt who was more like a mother to me.. .i lost her love for me..no no..not because of my mistake.. . but because of some stupid family grudges.. .today i see her loving another child ...today i feel empty inside...yeah we still meet but i dont get that feeling anymore that shes still gonna be standing there for me...the worst part is seeing her love somebody else ...but m happy for her...she has somebody to love...m happy for that child too...god has blessed him with an angel...toking about me-i am more than being negative in my life than being positive....i tried to be positive...tried soo many times..but things didnt work out...its ok..life teaches u a lesson...nd thts wot m going through right now...m ok with that...i just need to be a little bit more stronger..

DAD-i dont knw wot to say.....

maybe u mst hv never accepted me in ur life or maybe u can never....maybe i am some kind of a heavy load on u...but i can never hate u dad...yes i do get upset when u say stuff to me nd i say bad stuff to u in my mind...but i can never hate u dad....i am ur daughter...i can never be the second son u wanted...i am sorry for that....i promise the day u will accept me....life will change forever...i will never cry everyday dad , never.....i will be wot u will want me to be...but first please stop thinking that i am a load on u...i can never accept the reality about wot hppended in the past between u nd mom ...coz how can i think abt both of u like tht??...but it's a bitter truth...u can lie to me about anything but i can defintely see through u in ur own mind....maybe u just want me to get out of ur life by getting me married.....but i want to study...i want to be a big person.....i promise i will give u all the money that u hvv ever spent on me since the day of my birth....but plzz give me ur love...tht's wot i want....tht's wot i cnnt say to u...i am just a ormal girl who wants love...ur evryday fights with mom kill me deep inside...thts it...i just wanted to say tht to u dad...but i knw i can nvr say anythng like tht...coz i m such a fool....

well, i have been on bed for the past 1 week, so i cldn't update my blog...i have a boil in my armpit...nd it's disgustinggggg....it's ewwwwww.....my hand pains soooo mchhhh........ok..lol..i hope i get well soon...dont really knw wot i wnna tok abt..A new discovery - I HAVE PHARMACOPHOBIA...it means i have a fear of medication....i cnn't eat medicines at all...i dnt evn like gng to the doctor or getting any treatment done..i dnt knw..it scares me..:p....i had 3,4 medicines in the last week nd only i knw how i kept them in my mouth for 5 to 6 minutes nd then i drank water to swallow them....:p....medicines taste sooo badd...i hope god saves me from them if i get ill again...right now m waiting for my admission nd colleges r gnna strt on 7th or 8th july...m soo excited to go to college especially coz i wnna make new friends...nd i will hv to wear new clothes...;p...hehehehehehe.....evry girl would luv to do tht...but till 7th or 8th of july , i m sitting at home not only becoz i hv ntng to do bt also coz i hv this ridiculous boil.....sitting at home is really boring..u can watch tv, u can surf on the web , u can sleeeep, u can search ur kitchen for food nd then open up ur fridge nd look here nd there for something delicious nd then again go to the kitchen ...lol..;p...there's soo mch to do at home bt doing th same things again nd again is boring....nd tht's why home is boring.....i really wnna go shopping with my mom nd m waiting for tht day to come..till then m gnna sleep ...-.-

now below are two poems written by me maybe 2 yrs ago...this is the first 1..read it carefully and check out the words i have used...

and this is the second poem ...

do u notice anything similar in both the poems?...umm..dont get it?...i have been using words like alone, tears, take me away, harsh, mistake, hate, sadness, suffering...i have used these words to describe my life...but if i would have used words opposite to the above..then..?..like happiness, love, enjoy, etc...then?...i have actually made myself believe that my life is just full of sadness and misery...if one problem will end , then another problem is there waiting for me....and there will be tears..i will cry and no one will love me..and all that stuff...i have made my mind and my heart think that way...now...if i  would have thought of something good like i am scoring so well , everyone loves me so much...i am so special...and more...believe me i would have been a totally different person today...so don't think bad about yourself everytime...u are a very precious person and earth would be incomplete without you...you make others happy, u help others,many people need u out there, ur parents need u, ur house would be empty without u.......u are a person and one person makes a lot of difference .....so don't end up thinking bad and negative about ur own self  coz in a way or other u are important to everyone....remember "THE WAY U WILL THINK , UR LIFE WILL END UP THAT WAY."

this is sooo cute...i really want this tattoo..

" IN THE INFINITY OF LIFE WHERE I AM , ALL IS PERFECT , WHOLE  AND COMPLETE. "
 
say this everyday and see the change...

a bad feeling...

so there are some days in life when after forgetting everything , something does happen again and u get very frightened...that's wot happens with me..i get frightened...coz after so much of trying to leave the past , i want that it should never reflect in my future again and when that happens , i get lost..i dont want to hurt the people again...i dont want to hurt myself again..i want to learn from my past and move on and just try not to do anything like that  again...but there is a time in life when u remember ur past and burst out to tears...it happens with me every week...i know that there is going to be a night of the week when everything is gonna come in front of my eyes as if i am watching a movie...and after wot can happen...guess it..ofcouse i cry..but i cnn't cry too loud..i cry silently coz my mom is sleeping next to me...and i dont want to let her know about it...i just cover my mouth with my hand and cry...i even try to scream..that too quietly..lol..u must be wondering screaming quietly..yeah i do...:p...and after all that i think that wot was the use of crying ?....why did i think about all of it..?...and then i sleep..isn't that stupid...but i think that's the only way my mind and my heart release the pain of the week that i had stored...in the morning the first thing i do even before brushing is that i look up to myself in the mirror and say to myself-i am a good person. everything is good in my life. everyone loves me and i thank god for all that he has given me..and i say to him that god whatever u do for me...even if it's bad...i will accept it as a gift...and i start my day like that...right now..currently i am just trying to heal my own self rather than trying to improve my relationship with other's...coz i know till the time i will not be completely pure from the inside , i cann't be present there for other's who need me...